Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2006 January
2005 December
2005 November
2005 October
2005 September
My Links
Jill Twiss
Squirrel X Quotes
Kitta.net
Bloggie Awards
Making a Blog Book
Zug
Quotation Page
Tucker Max
Fishbucket
Pixelsaurus
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Classic Chumbucket |
| 01.13.06 (1:05 pm) [edit] |
[b]Bring on Armaeggedon[/b]
[image]5hadow_1274252033.jpg[/image]
I like wondering about the future of our species. I'm not gonna be around. I'm about 70, so when I see some world war igniting on television I'll go "Boy, you people are gonna be fucked." I'm outa here pretty soon so I don't care. A wall of flame could engulf me right now and I'd call it a day. I'd do jumping jacks and cartwheels while I'm on fire. I think people would wanna see that, but not if they're also on fire.
It's too bad you can't reasonably live through a wall of flame. I'd like to have it as the climax in my life story some day. What could top that? So I quarterbacked the football team in high school, then I had this wild orgy in college. After that I got married and shot up the corporate ladder for a few years and lemme tell ya I saved up quite a chunk for retirement. That's when I was engulfed by a screaming wind of fire. My hair exploded into flames. My kahki's evaporated, and oh ya there was this guy I knew that turned into skeletel ash right in front of me. Good thing, cause I owed him money. It was a fucking blast. I guarantee you the people you're telling that story to would be way more interested in the part about you on fire than the game winning touchdown you threw.
Hey, when I'm an old guy I don't give a shit. I'm just trying to make it to the bathroom on time. You won't see me at a world summit trying to evade armageddon. I know what your thinking. I have kids. I have grandchildren. I can't think like that. Well, that's your problem. You shouldn't have had any kids. It's a waste. They're all gonna melt like butter in a nuclear blast anyway. As a matter of fact, don't even pay for their college. "But I wanna be educated daddy." I don't think so sweety. A lot of good that's gonna do ya when your a blistering puddle of flesh. I'm gonna buy a clipper boat instead and sail the wily seas. Forget about being a doctor. Open up a hotdog stand and bide your time. The end is near. I apologize for bringing you to life. Gotta go now.
And when is this Jesus guy coming back anyway? I wanna check him out. I want him to emerge suddenly so I can go "Hey Jim, I told you he was black." Actually, I'm kinda glad I don't get to see him. If I saw him tommorrow I'd know something huge is about to happen. Jesus doesn't just show up. He'll definately have a world altering event up his sleeve. He'll wip a list out of thin air and start reading off names. He'll do that for about five years standing in the same position. No indication of whether it's good or bad to have your name read. He'll just read off the names. After that he'll go alright, that's it and walk away. Some guy will go "But what about me? He didn't read my name, or Joey's", but he'll just keep walking. He'll sit on a porch somewhere. He'll sit on a porch, look at the sky and start whistling. Then he'll look at his watch a couple times.
|
|
|
| |
| Christmas Cheer |
| 12.22.05 (8:23 am) [edit] |
Ok so merry fucking christmas. You know I mean it. What a great time of the year isn't it? Well I wouldn't be writing if I didn't have some things to go over. Some stuff to get straight. A little christmas clutter to sort out.
Speaking of christmas, let's start with the 12 days of christmas. I love it. Don't you? It's fantastic. What a great christmas song. I love it. Don't you? It's fantastic. A holiday melody. What a great christmas song. I love it. Don't you? It's fantastic. A holiday melody. I love it. Don't you? Kill me. Will you? I'm fantastic. I have a wooden spear in my skull, but at least I blew up that fucking stereo. The 12 Days of Christmas is like holiday Vietnam.
It was real cute at first hugh? For a couple minutes. This is the only song in history that wore out it's welcome halfway through the song. Let's stop kidding ourselves. This isn't a song, it's a math equation. A really bad one with 12 patridges in 12 pear trees when you're trying to play it off as one. By the end of the song you have a shot gun loaded to hunt a fucking partridge, but then decide to just shoot yourself in the face instead.
Ok moving on. Most of us start the christmas thing no earlier than mid November. Everyone except for that stupid asshole who put up his christmas lights in August. You know the guy. He celebrated Halloween in June. You know when I put up my christmas lights? Two Decembers ago. They never came down. Well one time we lost a strand because my nephew used it as a rope swing into the swimming pool. I mean what an anal bitch. We're shopping on christmas eve, and so is he, for easter eggs. The biggest thing I hate about christmas is the shopping. It's 60% "where the hell is the pillow section", 30% "I can't believe they ran out of lettuce babies", and 150% "get out of my way motherfuckers".
We all have to get into the Christmas mode eventually though. That's because we have to buy a shitload of presents. Jesus got presents, so your asshole nephew who set fire to his house and strangled a stray cat with a twizzler deserves presents too. What does mildreds vegetarian hemopheliac transexual boyfriend want? How about a candle? Ya that works. Get them all something good to shut em up. Well not all. I mean you can't buy presents for everyone. You have to decide who gets some and who doesn't? This is based on a logical and completely objective process we call fuck that guy. You think of reasons you didn't buy someone something, just in case they ask. Like if your best friend Eddie asks, say "I didn't get you a present because of that time you took your dying father to the baseball game instead of me. I hope he burns in hell. Merry Christmas"
Some people get presents, and some people don't. That's just the way it is. Meanwhile, you know what I got in my stocking last year? Socks. You son of a bitches. Why don't you just stuff a pack of underwear down my pants while I'm sleeping?
Ok then, let's go out and get a friggin tree. When we get to the tree place we'll act like tree professionals who meticulously critique every god damn branch and angle. What does it look like this way? What does it look like that way? Don't worry, we can put the retarded side against the wall. Do we want a fat one or a tall one? Let's haggle over the price of a dying carcass. You don't know shit about trees, so stop pretending you do. Walk in and grab one, and get the fuck out of tree expert village. Throw in a wreath too, which in tree world is equivalent to ripping off someones arm and making a neat circle out of it to hang on your door.
That's all for now.
Just wanted to spread some Christmas Cheer
|
|
|
| |
| ChumBiscuits |
| 12.12.05 (6:41 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_433156324.jpg[/image]
I ignore people with disabilities. I don't give them any special attention. It just looks suspicious in a room with 16 normal people and you're talking to the guy with no arms. If this was the animal kingdom, he would have been eaten by now. Probably cannibalized. You can't talk to a guy with no arms. No matter what you talk about, it always comes back to the arms. What about those arms, what's up with the arms, Hey did you leave your arms somewhere? Forget it. Let's talk about my armoire.
It's not a big deal when people get killed bungie jumping. The only reason it's so exciting in the first place is because you lived through it. You base that excitement on the fact that some people didn't. We need a few people to die bungie jumping, so we can make it fun for the rest of us.
Prostitutes have a wide range of prices for their services. You can get one that costs twice as much, and you last half as long, or you can get one that cost half as much and you get the clap.
Here's something I like to do. Take a dump at work, and when someone else walks into the bathroom, guess who it is when you see their shoes under the stall barrier. "Lemme guess... Tom right? I knew it. You must buy your shoes at payless you cheap prick. There's five other bathrooms in this company. Do you think you can walk into another one with your stupid shoes next time I need some fucking privacy? You cheap shoe wearing bastard. Can't a guy take a dump in peace?"
I'm going to start a new cause called "People against Will Smith ever rapping again" I'm signing up members if you're interested.
If I ever have identical twins, I'm going to name them something completely unrelated to one another, like Edwin and Bob, or Frank and Pierre. I just like to be different.
Ever have a random midget walk by you? Maybe at the mall or in the park? You haven't seen one for like six months and BANG, midget walking by. It's unsettling. As if the randomness of life hired a midget to walk through a crowd of people, just then.
Some opinions should be completely subjective. It's only healthy to voice a badly thought out, fantastic piece of hogwash based entirely on a whim once in a while. People who live in Iceland are douchebags. I need not explain.
I hope we discover life on other planets, mostly because I hope it's edible.
Remember the first time someone told you the moon was made out of cheese? You know when you were like 6. I believed it. I believed it so much I started spreading the word around the schoolyard. Telling everyone. Then some smart kid who reads books comes along and disagrees with you. He tries to refute your cheesy moon claims with no proof whatsoever. We'll call him "moon expert". He tells you that in fact the moon is made out of rock, and you stand there and doubt him since you went so far with the cheese thing. You doubt this rock theory, after jumping directly on the cheese wagon without a question. Rock? How could this be? I already picked cheese so eat shit.
So they just came out with Tofurkey. It's tofu, but it's shaped like and kinda tastes like a turkey. When is it that you decide to become a vegetarian, but you still want your vegetables to look and taste like animals? You want a hamburger? No, I don't eat meat, but can you make these vegetables here look like ground up muscles of a cow shaped into neat circular patties? God bless the animals.
|
|
|
| |
When Someone You
Knew Becomes a Cop |
| 11.15.05 (6:34 am) [edit] |
You ever have someone you knew turn into a cop? A "tripped him a couple times in middle school" type of someone? Then you get pulled over by him, and he acts like he never knew ya. It's like they took out his brains and replaced it with Model SUPERCOP 300125a.
"Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
"Whaz up Kev it's Jimmy!"
"Sir, I clocked you at 70 in a 45 mph zone"
"Word. Oh now your gonna be like that? I gave you chocolate chip cookies man"
"Nevertheless, it doesn't justify a high rate of speed through a school zone, right after school gets out, while honking your horn screaming MAKE WAY".
So you go from childhood semi friend to "Jesus, I might have to kill this guy if he finds my weed." It's really a strange feeling. I think it should be against the law for someone you knew to become a cop. It's just not right. Someone should arrest that guy.
Most cops used to be that kid in school no one hung out with. His nose was always running, and he showed up at school with pillow hair. Like someone shot him in the head with a slumber gun. Everyone would scatter like godzilla. Now he's out to exact revenge on everyone through a violent array of parking tickets and faulty tail light harrassment. That son of a bitch.
So the guy you used to know comes up to your window after pulling you over and your instinct is to act oh so nice. You figure since you used to know him, that maybe, just maybe you get the chick treatment. Maybe he'll let you off easy. "Hello officer. I wish to please you with several verbal niceties." What you're really thinking is "Damn it, I really wish I hadn't pulled his underwear up his ass that time. That must have hurt."
I don't even know why you want to access the fact that you once knew him as some kind of weird advantage. It's like walking out on your girlfriend, and 15 years later you run into her at the grocery store and go "Hey, wanna fuck?" It's not like you've been sending this officer christmas cards for years just to "keep in touch". Knock the pseudo advantage bullshit off. What a hopelessly desperate ploy to access a distant connection for what? You hope he knocks $25 off a speeding ticket? Come off it. If he does it for you, you know you'll just speed off and mumble "What a jerkoff. I always hated that cocksucker".
|
|
|
| |
| Who wants to be a millionaire? |
| 11.07.05 (7:50 am) [edit] |
Ok, so you did it. You sat on the phone for hours on end. You answered all the questions right like a typical douche from the herd of selfish money hungry americans who have had a meaty sweaty sack of cash tempted in front of your face. I mean who wants to be a millionaire? Is it a trick question? Who the fuck doesn't? Now you get your chance you pathetic potential contestant.
Time to call up your friends. "Hey Jim, guess what? I made it man! I'm going to be on millionaire." That's right, you qualified asswipe. It's very exciting. Only for you though. I don't know if you realized this, but no one you're calling made it. Now they think you suck. That's because you do. You're pathetic. They'll ask you for money if you win some.
It's a real predicament. You know why? Because now all your friends hate you, but you need them in case you need to phone a friend. Not only that, but you have to categorize your friends by what they know. You call up Ed. "Hey Ed, guess what? You're my music friend. You get to hang around your house waiting for a phone call in case I get a music question. You know why? If you answer the question right, then you'll see the irony in how you knew the answer when I didn't, but it's me on the show winning money of which you get none."
You never know what kind of friends you need for the phone a friend either. You may need a palientologist friend. Do you have one? Probably not. You'll get that kind of question and call your sports genius friend on a mental coin flip since you failed to recognize the need for such specialized friends. "Hey Bob, what era did the Platisaurus live in? Was it mezzazoic, phelantroic, calendric, or cretacious period? No, Wade boggs is not an option. cretacious? Are you sure? Me neither. Nice job idiot. Don't call me anymore, ok asshole? Click"
So you finally get to the studio. Not only did you have to endure hours on the telephone for the chance to go to the taping, and then wait to sit at one of those booths, but now you have to answer the "fastest finger question". Ok here it is. Name the 4 most pathetic people in hollywood, starting with the youngest.
Dustin Diamond
Jennifer Lopez
Jean Claude Van Damme
Sylvester Stallone
There you have it! You made it! You answered correctly the fastest. Now you sit in the big seat, right across from a guy named Regis with a nasal problem. Nice job, you pathetic excuse for a human being. You have no dignity. You are being exploited for entertainment purposes. You're a guinea pig being shot from all sorts of different angles with fancy cameras. The goal of these cameras is to hopefully catch a crotch shot of you pissing yourself when you win a large sum of money. Shortly thereafter you will shit yourself when you find out the government will take sixty percent of it. The producers will be ecstatic. Do you think they give a shit about you? they don't. They get payed 2 million a commercial while you're struggling to answer obscure trivia at the $10,000 level.
Ok then you've had your peptalk. Are you ready to roll? First question for $100. Which of the following is not a meat eater?..
A) Disgusting trucker from Arkansas
B) Cujo
C) That bitch down at the gas station
D) Coffee Table
"Hmmm, that bitch down at the gas station is a vegetarian. Tough one. My friend dated her though. He said she only eats meat in the bedroom. I'm gonna go with D, coffee table Regis" Is that your final answer? "Is that my final answer? Is that your final stupid question? Last time i checked, a coffee table is a piece of furniture douchewad." You are..... RIGHT for $100. Ok next question for $200. Who wrote "Sisters of magistrate" in 1662? Was it...
A) Petronius Arbiter
B) Marcus Valerius Martialis
C) Carlos Parada
D) Diodorus Siculus
What the hell is this Regis? What, you think this is funny? maybe I should poll the audience and find out nothing. Any 17th century experts in the house? Oh I see, only tourists and retirees. Maybe you should take away two answers, leaving two equally trivial possibilities I have no god damn clue about. Christ where's my pop culture friend? Forget it. I wanna call my tough friend. He doesn't know shit, but he'll beat the shit out of Regis for porking me with crap like this. I'm glad I had him waiting around for a phone call. I guess I'll take $100.
|
|
|
| |
NASA to Return to Moon
"Just for the Hell of it" |
| 10.18.05 (7:03 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_199713710.jpg[/image]
NASA has begun to plot out its next journey back to the Moon, where scientists will once again confirm the existence of a rock which is rumored to be orbiting our planet.
In his mid-January space pep rally, President George W. Bush charged the agency with signing up to a new astronautical agenda -- part of which called for extended human missions to the Moon for no good reason as early as 2015. NASA has the Moon securely in their sights, but wants to confirm it still exists by walking on it again. They haven't collected samples of the surface recently. A surface which is made up largely of useless dust.
"We are very excited about our return trip to the Moon." Said Commander Jim McJohnson. "It will be nice to see the rocks we already saw, and double check for water we are almost certain isn't present, hence it's grey color. We are strongly focused on completing this mission which holds no relevance to the final frontier. At least we can pull the russian flag out and send it floating through space. What are they gonna do about it?"
Illogical step
President Bush has established the goal of a human return to the Moon by 2015, as the launching point for further moon missions. Beginning no later than 2008, preperations for the first in a series of missions to the lunar surface are on tap to research and prepare for future human exploration just for the hell of it.
Using a yet-to-be Crew Exploration Vehicle, the first piloted mission to the Moon is listed as early as 2015, with the goal of living and working there for increasingly longer periods of time. Though the Moon currently has a very weak economy, George Bush hopes he can stimulate the large rock through tax breaks.
The President explained in his January 14 vision statement at NASA Headquarters: "Returning to the Moon is an important step for our space program.Lifting heavy spacecraft and fuel out of the Earth's gravity is expensive, but the Moon is home to abundant resources. Its soil contains raw materials, he added, that might be harvested and processed into souvenirs."
[image]5hadow_1017761440.jpg[/image]
The Elleged Moon
"We can use our time on the Moon to develop and test new approaches and technologies and systems that will allow us to function in other, more challenging environments, such as the Bronx or Oakland. The Moon is a logical step toward further progress and achievement," Bush said. "This will be one small step for man, but one giant leap backwards for common sense."
Future NASA missions include a meaningless orbit around the earth to confirm it's spherical nature, and a 2 billion Dollar November flight to the "International Space Station", to water the plants and feed the space cat. The Space Station was originally created to study the effects of zero gravity, such as floating around and shitting upside down.
|
|
|
| |
| Katrina you Bitch |
| 10.05.05 (4:45 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_536230978.jpg[/image]
Does it strike anyone else as odd that the name Katrina is being associated with mass destruction and death? Everytime I watch the news is "Katrina's path of destruction", or "Katrina's wake of terror." I mean I know you're so used to it by now, but step back and really listen to this stuff. "And today, Hurricane Fluffy Pajamas rocked the coast with unbridled furry." Here's a little piece of advice. If you have a storm capable of destroying a large number of human beings, then give it a scary name. Something like Spike, or Gargoyle. Enough of this Tiffany and Wilma bullshit. Tiffany and Wilma are pussy names to be associated with pussy things, like tea cups and lace pillows.
So Hurricane Pussy Wipped slams the coast of New Orleans, and kills a bunch of people I don't know. Am I really supposed to feel bad for these people? Don't sour on me. I have a good point here. I mean how stupid could you be hanging around inside what is essentially an empty pool basin just waiting for water to be poured in as a major storm hits? I don't care if it's called Hurricane Harmless. You're fucking retarded! Get out or die. Send you money? For what... being a complete tool? You don't have flood insurance? You live on the coast of a giant body of water known as the ocean, and you're below sea level! Not my fucking problem if something goes wrong. I decided long ago not to stay in that place too long. I throw some beads, see some boobs, then I'm outy. No need to die over it.
Everywhere I go it's give to the Katrina Fund, help out the Katrina victims. You want money from me? Change the note on the glass jar from "Katrina Relief", to "Help the Stupid Asswipes Who Stayed in an Obvious Deathtrap", or "Common Sense Disregarding Moron's Who Can't Swim Fund". I might drop a buck in for the entertainment value alone. Just show me a video of people drowning as I put the dollar in. So I can LAUGH! Oh you don't like that? They had warning. They stayed. I feel bad for the crippled ones who said "Fuck it I'm slow as shit in this electronic wheelchair." I'll give money to that. Otherwise the rest of them can screw. I don't want this money going to just anything. I mean what are you going to do, build a bunch of houses in the same place with no flood insurance again?
I can only take so much of this. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to have an overpopulated metropolis in that location in the first place. Look, you stick a hairpin in a wall socket once. Either you die or you write the experience down in your holy shit journal for later, so you never do it again. You even decide to pass it down through several generations. Write it in your will. "The house goes to Harry, and by the way don't stick a small piece of metal in an electrical outlet." All I'm asking is that we take the same approach here.
Move all these people somewhere else. I don't mean move everyone to one other city. Don't be ridiculous. When you're digging a tunnell out of your jail cell, you don't go into the courtyard and drop a big pile of dirt from your pantleg on the shoe of the warden. You walk around and disperse the evidence evenly. Put some of these people in Utah. Rip roaring, bead wearing, drunk all day, deep south jambalayans right in the middle of a morman colony. Hey if I'm giving money, I want some entertainment.
|
|
|
| |
| Deadbeat Correspondence |
| 09.23.05 (10:01 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_323462207.jpg[/image]
Dear whatever your name is,
I would like to say hello to my son or daughter. I know you're out there. I knocked your mom up one night when I was doing drugs. I consider you the fruit that escaped my loin.
I'm sorry we never met, or had time to play chutes and ladders. If you really knew me, I would never play any game based on pure luck anyway, as I desire to kick anyone's ass at anything I compete in. Especially reckless rampant fertilization. I want to teach everyone a valuable lesson about losing to a superior mastermind. The consequence for losing is the mastermind will go to the store for cigarrettes and never return.
I may have walked out on you, but I went straight over to another woman's house and became her son's stepfather. I think that makes up for something. There's nothing better than a stepfather who can relate to what a kids been through, and potentially put them through it again if they don't mind their fucking manners.
Don't listen to your mom when she blabs on about how I don't send her money for support. I gave her $600 for an abortion. I considered it a good investment. Figured it would save me about a hundred grand over the longrun. I guess I was right about the running.
I'm sorry. I really am. I left your mother because she's ugly, and ended up settling for a fat chick who used to date a guy who thought she was ugly. He's probably with your mother right now. I bet she gained a couple pounds didn't she?
So you see son? It's just wonderful game of musical fat chicks with the unfortunate side effect of lifelong tramatic abandonment issues for the illegitimate products of unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately you'll never understand what I just said, because you'll drop out of school in the tenth grade to sell drugs for a living.
Hey, it's not like I meant to just leave you hanging, but that's life. That's the way it was at the beginning of time, and I'm old school. Do you think when we first starting populating earth people were worried about child support or overpopulation? No sir. At the beginning it was all about planting the seeds of the human race, and moving on to the next field. Let's get this population thing rolling with style. Have a girlfriend in every village.
Sometimes it got a little sloppy you know what I'm saying? You know what an orgy used to be called? Multicropping my friend. I long for the days when the whole point of living was to make as many of the future people be just like you. Back then, they had no concept of conditioned behavior and the value of male role models. They just figured you could fertilize a woman, move on, and 9 months later a kid would pop out and build a house from scratch. Seems right to me.
I know that's not the way things are now. Gone are the days you refer to your children as offspring, your son as "boy". Gone are the days you could have so many children that they start devouring each other. These days you fertilize a woman, and you have to act like you were both fertilized. You have to mutually prepare for childbirth, and mutually get up 5 times a night to feed the screaming little shit when it pops out. Then you're both mutually pissed off, and you mutually want to destroy all children.
That's not the right attitude at all. We're supposed to go right on happily procreating until stacks of humans squirm together in a writhing pile that covers the earth in a new cretacious layer known as the upper human crust. Then someone will scream out "Hey, I think we fucked too much!", at which point a man lying nearby will mistake your backside for a female and try to mate with you. It's gonna get ugly. It's the way it should be. Stop complaining I'm not there for you. Turtles lay eggs and skip town immediately. Why must we always be compared with the nurturing species of the earth? Why must we be like dolphins and bears? I wanna be like a spider or a hamster. You get hungry, you eat your babies. Someone touches your kid, you eat the damn thing. I think it would be nice to have a whole shitload of kids at one time, and whoever escapes lives. Just pop out running and don't look back. Why do I have to do all the running?
|
|
|
| |
| Ancient War |
| 09.15.05 (10:43 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_1409101702.jpg[/image]
I'm sick of evil mosqitoes sucking my blood and leaving nothing in return of any value. Dracula the selfish mosquito. Fine, take my blood. It's only a little bit, but why leave the itching and disease? Hey, is this some kind of twisted swap? I never agreed to this. Take some blood, and leave an issue of playboy next time dick. leave a sausage egg and cheese. "Oh look honey, a mosquito cooked us breakfast. She must have siphoned off a couple ounces last night while we were sleeping."
All you mosquitoes wonder why I'm so pissed at you. I don't like sneaky little pricks who don't ask to extract my life energy, and then leave turmoil in your wake of terror. Why in the world is there an insect that needs something inside my body anyway? Why don't you just attach yourself to my skull and suck out my brain a little at a time? I mean what the fuck. This is bullshit. Little bastards.
Why am I even bringing this up? Because now you've gone too far. Now you're Killing us with shit you're carrying. I know I killed a lot of your relatives. That's no reason to transmit violent diseases. Take some blood, but don't leave a little gift for the generous blood donation that will ravage the citizen for a week before they die vomiting their internal organs on the rug. Hey, I'm sorry I gave your friends the clap. Actually, more like the clap and flick. That's what you get for not asking before taking.
Some 20 year old girl was bitten by a mosquito two towns over from me last week and died within days from eastern equine encephalitus. She went to the hospital with a fever, they misdiagnosed her, mistreated her, and sent her home to die. Just so you know FLINTSTONE VITAMINS DO NOT CURE ENCEPHALITUS. I never got a chance to meet this girl who died. I was busy with my life while she was convulsing mortally 10 miles away Saturday night. I've always been amazed that as one haneously tragic event is happening in one place, someone in another place is living life good. I mean you're just hanging out playing twister with fat people, and some ruthless leader 2,384 miles away is setting random people on fire for kicks. These people have no idea what you're going through.
Anyway, so this girl gets eastern equine encephalitus (Triple E) from a mosquito. That's nice hugh? They give a disease a trendy name to make it easier to digest. That's so you don't go "Oh my god Ted, do you have southwestern equalibrium esophagus!" Don't laugh. there are stupid people who say shit like that. I'm one of them. I thought about it, and it actually does need a nickname. When you have a week to live, you can't have people bugging you all the time going "What's that thing you have again? Easter Egg Elupitopus?", and waste your last precious days constantly reminding idiots how to pronounce a difficult disease name. It's much better to say "It's Triple E. Screw off."
Isn't that unreal though? You get bitten by a mosquito, and die within a week. Weird stuff. If one of your friends dies within a week and you don't know why, then be very suspicious, and very cautious. Stand around naked, scratching your head in wonder, near a swampy meadow, with ten dead birds by your feet around dusk. It's the best way to find out what happened.
There is one fun thing about mosquito transmitted disease. Some town official always comes up with the genius plan to spray the entire county with toxic bug spray. "What shall we do Mayor? Three deaths this week"..."Let's create a giant cloud of mosquito repellant over the region. That should solve our short term issues, while creating long term cancerous ones which I will claim no responsibility for." But it's the only way to get rid of them right? Wrong. We could also drop a nuclear warhead and not have to worry about a thing for like 10 years. They had no Triple E concerns in Hiroshima during the late 40's.
So how do you deal with it? You can't spray everything. It's not like you can pinpoint the exact mosquito with Triple E and be like "Hey you! Get over here. Stop flying away. You gotta stop biting people man. Do you know what you have? That's a bad cough you got there Mr. Skeeter. You might wanna consider skipping the blood sucking for a bit. Here, let me give you the clap."
It's just not going to happen. It's an impossible problem. So the thought that ends up crossing your mind if you're in a danger zone community is literally "We need to Kill every last fucking mosquito we can find." That's the only logical solution. Make no mistake. This is war. In war you have collateral damage. A lot of us would hurt ourselves to kill all the mosquitoes. Ever get one on your head and slam your face against a brick wall? No more mosquito.
If you think about it though, it's kind of convenient that a couple of these little bastards infected us with a deadly virus. We were looking for an excuse to kill every last mosquito on earth anyway. Just sitting around hoping a couple of em do something really stupid. Something to set us off into a mosquito slaughtering frenzy. Well this is it. You asked for it.
|
|
|
| |
| ChumBucket Personals |
| 09.14.05 (10:28 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_139725090.jpg[/image]
I Want to Mate with You
Name: Jim Plankowski
Interests: Mating, Food, Water, Mating, Shelter, Nature walks, Mating, Loose ruffage, Discarded pudding snacks, Mating.
Smokes: Yes, especially after mating
Comments: I really just want to mate with you. My strength is honesty, and I'm not going to bullshit you. My goal is to evaluate whether you are mate worthy (most are), and then do anything necessary to mate with you. I prefer hard mating, but I'm willing to occasionally mate in a more subtle way. I love mating doggy style.
It seems most men are dishonest when it comes to intentions. I have news for you. No guy wants to listen to your constant yammering about nonsensical irrelevant issues involving your friends, family, emotions, dreams, and work. We will gladly do these things in exchange for the classic universal "listening" payment... mating. Wanna talk about your dads alzheimers? Ok the bedrooms that way. Since it's a particularly boring subject, it will cost two matings with a splash of orgasmic noise.
If by some chance you are not mate worthy, I will inform you right away. All I have to do is look at you, and I know. That's because I don't mate with a womans mind. I mate with her body. If I wanted to mate with her mind I would probably just... oh never mind. The point is we don't even have to speak if you don't want to. You can just show up and assume the mating position. That would be splendid.
|
|
|
| |
|
The Weblog
Review
Search Engine Analyzer
Pulldown Generator
Haloscan Text Ads
Technorati Blog Stats
Popdex
Special
Thanks to...
|
