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Who wants to be a millionaire?
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| Who wants to be a millionaire? |
| 11.07.05 (7:50 am) [edit] |
Ok, so you did it. You sat on the phone for hours on end. You answered all the questions right like a typical douche from the herd of selfish money hungry americans who have had a meaty sweaty sack of cash tempted in front of your face. I mean who wants to be a millionaire? Is it a trick question? Who the fuck doesn't? Now you get your chance you pathetic potential contestant.
Time to call up your friends. "Hey Jim, guess what? I made it man! I'm going to be on millionaire." That's right, you qualified asswipe. It's very exciting. Only for you though. I don't know if you realized this, but no one you're calling made it. Now they think you suck. That's because you do. You're pathetic. They'll ask you for money if you win some.
It's a real predicament. You know why? Because now all your friends hate you, but you need them in case you need to phone a friend. Not only that, but you have to categorize your friends by what they know. You call up Ed. "Hey Ed, guess what? You're my music friend. You get to hang around your house waiting for a phone call in case I get a music question. You know why? If you answer the question right, then you'll see the irony in how you knew the answer when I didn't, but it's me on the show winning money of which you get none."
You never know what kind of friends you need for the phone a friend either. You may need a palientologist friend. Do you have one? Probably not. You'll get that kind of question and call your sports genius friend on a mental coin flip since you failed to recognize the need for such specialized friends. "Hey Bob, what era did the Platisaurus live in? Was it mezzazoic, phelantroic, calendric, or cretacious period? No, Wade boggs is not an option. cretacious? Are you sure? Me neither. Nice job idiot. Don't call me anymore, ok asshole? Click"
So you finally get to the studio. Not only did you have to endure hours on the telephone for the chance to go to the taping, and then wait to sit at one of those booths, but now you have to answer the "fastest finger question". Ok here it is. Name the 4 most pathetic people in hollywood, starting with the youngest.
Dustin Diamond
Jennifer Lopez
Jean Claude Van Damme
Sylvester Stallone
There you have it! You made it! You answered correctly the fastest. Now you sit in the big seat, right across from a guy named Regis with a nasal problem. Nice job, you pathetic excuse for a human being. You have no dignity. You are being exploited for entertainment purposes. You're a guinea pig being shot from all sorts of different angles with fancy cameras. The goal of these cameras is to hopefully catch a crotch shot of you pissing yourself when you win a large sum of money. Shortly thereafter you will shit yourself when you find out the government will take sixty percent of it. The producers will be ecstatic. Do you think they give a shit about you? they don't. They get payed 2 million a commercial while you're struggling to answer obscure trivia at the $10,000 level.
Ok then you've had your peptalk. Are you ready to roll? First question for $100. Which of the following is not a meat eater?..
A) Disgusting trucker from Arkansas
B) Cujo
C) That bitch down at the gas station
D) Coffee Table
"Hmmm, that bitch down at the gas station is a vegetarian. Tough one. My friend dated her though. He said she only eats meat in the bedroom. I'm gonna go with D, coffee table Regis" Is that your final answer? "Is that my final answer? Is that your final stupid question? Last time i checked, a coffee table is a piece of furniture douchewad." You are..... RIGHT for $100. Ok next question for $200. Who wrote "Sisters of magistrate" in 1662? Was it...
A) Petronius Arbiter
B) Marcus Valerius Martialis
C) Carlos Parada
D) Diodorus Siculus
What the hell is this Regis? What, you think this is funny? maybe I should poll the audience and find out nothing. Any 17th century experts in the house? Oh I see, only tourists and retirees. Maybe you should take away two answers, leaving two equally trivial possibilities I have no god damn clue about. Christ where's my pop culture friend? Forget it. I wanna call my tough friend. He doesn't know shit, but he'll beat the shit out of Regis for porking me with crap like this. I'm glad I had him waiting around for a phone call. I guess I'll take $100.
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posted by: rob roy (reply)
post date: 03.30.06 (11:05 pm)
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