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| Deadbeat Correspondence |
| 09.23.05 (10:01 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_323462207.jpg[/image]
Dear whatever your name is,
I would like to say hello to my son or daughter. I know you're out there. I knocked your mom up one night when I was doing drugs. I consider you the fruit that escaped my loin.
I'm sorry we never met, or had time to play chutes and ladders. If you really knew me, I would never play any game based on pure luck anyway, as I desire to kick anyone's ass at anything I compete in. Especially reckless rampant fertilization. I want to teach everyone a valuable lesson about losing to a superior mastermind. The consequence for losing is the mastermind will go to the store for cigarrettes and never return.
I may have walked out on you, but I went straight over to another woman's house and became her son's stepfather. I think that makes up for something. There's nothing better than a stepfather who can relate to what a kids been through, and potentially put them through it again if they don't mind their fucking manners.
Don't listen to your mom when she blabs on about how I don't send her money for support. I gave her $600 for an abortion. I considered it a good investment. Figured it would save me about a hundred grand over the longrun. I guess I was right about the running.
I'm sorry. I really am. I left your mother because she's ugly, and ended up settling for a fat chick who used to date a guy who thought she was ugly. He's probably with your mother right now. I bet she gained a couple pounds didn't she?
So you see son? It's just wonderful game of musical fat chicks with the unfortunate side effect of lifelong tramatic abandonment issues for the illegitimate products of unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately you'll never understand what I just said, because you'll drop out of school in the tenth grade to sell drugs for a living.
Hey, it's not like I meant to just leave you hanging, but that's life. That's the way it was at the beginning of time, and I'm old school. Do you think when we first starting populating earth people were worried about child support or overpopulation? No sir. At the beginning it was all about planting the seeds of the human race, and moving on to the next field. Let's get this population thing rolling with style. Have a girlfriend in every village.
Sometimes it got a little sloppy you know what I'm saying? You know what an orgy used to be called? Multicropping my friend. I long for the days when the whole point of living was to make as many of the future people be just like you. Back then, they had no concept of conditioned behavior and the value of male role models. They just figured you could fertilize a woman, move on, and 9 months later a kid would pop out and build a house from scratch. Seems right to me.
I know that's not the way things are now. Gone are the days you refer to your children as offspring, your son as "boy". Gone are the days you could have so many children that they start devouring each other. These days you fertilize a woman, and you have to act like you were both fertilized. You have to mutually prepare for childbirth, and mutually get up 5 times a night to feed the screaming little shit when it pops out. Then you're both mutually pissed off, and you mutually want to destroy all children.
That's not the right attitude at all. We're supposed to go right on happily procreating until stacks of humans squirm together in a writhing pile that covers the earth in a new cretacious layer known as the upper human crust. Then someone will scream out "Hey, I think we fucked too much!", at which point a man lying nearby will mistake your backside for a female and try to mate with you. It's gonna get ugly. It's the way it should be. Stop complaining I'm not there for you. Turtles lay eggs and skip town immediately. Why must we always be compared with the nurturing species of the earth? Why must we be like dolphins and bears? I wanna be like a spider or a hamster. You get hungry, you eat your babies. Someone touches your kid, you eat the damn thing. I think it would be nice to have a whole shitload of kids at one time, and whoever escapes lives. Just pop out running and don't look back. Why do I have to do all the running?
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posted by: ChumBucket (reply)
post date: 10.05.05 (4:43 am)
I say we eat the ugly ones. Some will be just barely ugly enough to eat. They're the ones who tend to fight you off more.
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