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|
When Someone You
Knew Becomes a Cop |
| 11.15.05 (6:34 am) [edit] |
You ever have someone you knew turn into a cop? A "tripped him a couple times in middle school" type of someone? Then you get pulled over by him, and he acts like he never knew ya. It's like they took out his brains and replaced it with Model SUPERCOP 300125a.
"Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
"Whaz up Kev it's Jimmy!"
"Sir, I clocked you at 70 in a 45 mph zone"
"Word. Oh now your gonna be like that? I gave you chocolate chip cookies man"
"Nevertheless, it doesn't justify a high rate of speed through a school zone, right after school gets out, while honking your horn screaming MAKE WAY".
So you go from childhood semi friend to "Jesus, I might have to kill this guy if he finds my weed." It's really a strange feeling. I think it should be against the law for someone you knew to become a cop. It's just not right. Someone should arrest that guy.
Most cops used to be that kid in school no one hung out with. His nose was always running, and he showed up at school with pillow hair. Like someone shot him in the head with a slumber gun. Everyone would scatter like godzilla. Now he's out to exact revenge on everyone through a violent array of parking tickets and faulty tail light harrassment. That son of a bitch.
So the guy you used to know comes up to your window after pulling you over and your instinct is to act oh so nice. You figure since you used to know him, that maybe, just maybe you get the chick treatment. Maybe he'll let you off easy. "Hello officer. I wish to please you with several verbal niceties." What you're really thinking is "Damn it, I really wish I hadn't pulled his underwear up his ass that time. That must have hurt."
I don't even know why you want to access the fact that you once knew him as some kind of weird advantage. It's like walking out on your girlfriend, and 15 years later you run into her at the grocery store and go "Hey, wanna fuck?" It's not like you've been sending this officer christmas cards for years just to "keep in touch". Knock the pseudo advantage bullshit off. What a hopelessly desperate ploy to access a distant connection for what? You hope he knocks $25 off a speeding ticket? Come off it. If he does it for you, you know you'll just speed off and mumble "What a jerkoff. I always hated that cocksucker".
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| Who wants to be a millionaire? |
| 11.07.05 (7:50 am) [edit] |
Ok, so you did it. You sat on the phone for hours on end. You answered all the questions right like a typical douche from the herd of selfish money hungry americans who have had a meaty sweaty sack of cash tempted in front of your face. I mean who wants to be a millionaire? Is it a trick question? Who the fuck doesn't? Now you get your chance you pathetic potential contestant.
Time to call up your friends. "Hey Jim, guess what? I made it man! I'm going to be on millionaire." That's right, you qualified asswipe. It's very exciting. Only for you though. I don't know if you realized this, but no one you're calling made it. Now they think you suck. That's because you do. You're pathetic. They'll ask you for money if you win some.
It's a real predicament. You know why? Because now all your friends hate you, but you need them in case you need to phone a friend. Not only that, but you have to categorize your friends by what they know. You call up Ed. "Hey Ed, guess what? You're my music friend. You get to hang around your house waiting for a phone call in case I get a music question. You know why? If you answer the question right, then you'll see the irony in how you knew the answer when I didn't, but it's me on the show winning money of which you get none."
You never know what kind of friends you need for the phone a friend either. You may need a palientologist friend. Do you have one? Probably not. You'll get that kind of question and call your sports genius friend on a mental coin flip since you failed to recognize the need for such specialized friends. "Hey Bob, what era did the Platisaurus live in? Was it mezzazoic, phelantroic, calendric, or cretacious period? No, Wade boggs is not an option. cretacious? Are you sure? Me neither. Nice job idiot. Don't call me anymore, ok asshole? Click"
So you finally get to the studio. Not only did you have to endure hours on the telephone for the chance to go to the taping, and then wait to sit at one of those booths, but now you have to answer the "fastest finger question". Ok here it is. Name the 4 most pathetic people in hollywood, starting with the youngest.
Dustin Diamond
Jennifer Lopez
Jean Claude Van Damme
Sylvester Stallone
There you have it! You made it! You answered correctly the fastest. Now you sit in the big seat, right across from a guy named Regis with a nasal problem. Nice job, you pathetic excuse for a human being. You have no dignity. You are being exploited for entertainment purposes. You're a guinea pig being shot from all sorts of different angles with fancy cameras. The goal of these cameras is to hopefully catch a crotch shot of you pissing yourself when you win a large sum of money. Shortly thereafter you will shit yourself when you find out the government will take sixty percent of it. The producers will be ecstatic. Do you think they give a shit about you? they don't. They get payed 2 million a commercial while you're struggling to answer obscure trivia at the $10,000 level.
Ok then you've had your peptalk. Are you ready to roll? First question for $100. Which of the following is not a meat eater?..
A) Disgusting trucker from Arkansas
B) Cujo
C) That bitch down at the gas station
D) Coffee Table
"Hmmm, that bitch down at the gas station is a vegetarian. Tough one. My friend dated her though. He said she only eats meat in the bedroom. I'm gonna go with D, coffee table Regis" Is that your final answer? "Is that my final answer? Is that your final stupid question? Last time i checked, a coffee table is a piece of furniture douchewad." You are..... RIGHT for $100. Ok next question for $200. Who wrote "Sisters of magistrate" in 1662? Was it...
A) Petronius Arbiter
B) Marcus Valerius Martialis
C) Carlos Parada
D) Diodorus Siculus
What the hell is this Regis? What, you think this is funny? maybe I should poll the audience and find out nothing. Any 17th century experts in the house? Oh I see, only tourists and retirees. Maybe you should take away two answers, leaving two equally trivial possibilities I have no god damn clue about. Christ where's my pop culture friend? Forget it. I wanna call my tough friend. He doesn't know shit, but he'll beat the shit out of Regis for porking me with crap like this. I'm glad I had him waiting around for a phone call. I guess I'll take $100.
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