Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2006 January
2005 December
2005 November
2005 October
2005 September
My Links
Jill Twiss
Squirrel X Quotes
Kitta.net
Bloggie Awards
Making a Blog Book
Zug
Quotation Page
Tucker Max
Fishbucket
Pixelsaurus
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Deadbeat Correspondence |
| 09.23.05 (10:01 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_323462207.jpg[/image]
Dear whatever your name is,
I would like to say hello to my son or daughter. I know you're out there. I knocked your mom up one night when I was doing drugs. I consider you the fruit that escaped my loin.
I'm sorry we never met, or had time to play chutes and ladders. If you really knew me, I would never play any game based on pure luck anyway, as I desire to kick anyone's ass at anything I compete in. Especially reckless rampant fertilization. I want to teach everyone a valuable lesson about losing to a superior mastermind. The consequence for losing is the mastermind will go to the store for cigarrettes and never return.
I may have walked out on you, but I went straight over to another woman's house and became her son's stepfather. I think that makes up for something. There's nothing better than a stepfather who can relate to what a kids been through, and potentially put them through it again if they don't mind their fucking manners.
Don't listen to your mom when she blabs on about how I don't send her money for support. I gave her $600 for an abortion. I considered it a good investment. Figured it would save me about a hundred grand over the longrun. I guess I was right about the running.
I'm sorry. I really am. I left your mother because she's ugly, and ended up settling for a fat chick who used to date a guy who thought she was ugly. He's probably with your mother right now. I bet she gained a couple pounds didn't she?
So you see son? It's just wonderful game of musical fat chicks with the unfortunate side effect of lifelong tramatic abandonment issues for the illegitimate products of unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately you'll never understand what I just said, because you'll drop out of school in the tenth grade to sell drugs for a living.
Hey, it's not like I meant to just leave you hanging, but that's life. That's the way it was at the beginning of time, and I'm old school. Do you think when we first starting populating earth people were worried about child support or overpopulation? No sir. At the beginning it was all about planting the seeds of the human race, and moving on to the next field. Let's get this population thing rolling with style. Have a girlfriend in every village.
Sometimes it got a little sloppy you know what I'm saying? You know what an orgy used to be called? Multicropping my friend. I long for the days when the whole point of living was to make as many of the future people be just like you. Back then, they had no concept of conditioned behavior and the value of male role models. They just figured you could fertilize a woman, move on, and 9 months later a kid would pop out and build a house from scratch. Seems right to me.
I know that's not the way things are now. Gone are the days you refer to your children as offspring, your son as "boy". Gone are the days you could have so many children that they start devouring each other. These days you fertilize a woman, and you have to act like you were both fertilized. You have to mutually prepare for childbirth, and mutually get up 5 times a night to feed the screaming little shit when it pops out. Then you're both mutually pissed off, and you mutually want to destroy all children.
That's not the right attitude at all. We're supposed to go right on happily procreating until stacks of humans squirm together in a writhing pile that covers the earth in a new cretacious layer known as the upper human crust. Then someone will scream out "Hey, I think we fucked too much!", at which point a man lying nearby will mistake your backside for a female and try to mate with you. It's gonna get ugly. It's the way it should be. Stop complaining I'm not there for you. Turtles lay eggs and skip town immediately. Why must we always be compared with the nurturing species of the earth? Why must we be like dolphins and bears? I wanna be like a spider or a hamster. You get hungry, you eat your babies. Someone touches your kid, you eat the damn thing. I think it would be nice to have a whole shitload of kids at one time, and whoever escapes lives. Just pop out running and don't look back. Why do I have to do all the running?
|
|
|
| |
| Ancient War |
| 09.15.05 (10:43 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_1409101702.jpg[/image]
I'm sick of evil mosqitoes sucking my blood and leaving nothing in return of any value. Dracula the selfish mosquito. Fine, take my blood. It's only a little bit, but why leave the itching and disease? Hey, is this some kind of twisted swap? I never agreed to this. Take some blood, and leave an issue of playboy next time dick. leave a sausage egg and cheese. "Oh look honey, a mosquito cooked us breakfast. She must have siphoned off a couple ounces last night while we were sleeping."
All you mosquitoes wonder why I'm so pissed at you. I don't like sneaky little pricks who don't ask to extract my life energy, and then leave turmoil in your wake of terror. Why in the world is there an insect that needs something inside my body anyway? Why don't you just attach yourself to my skull and suck out my brain a little at a time? I mean what the fuck. This is bullshit. Little bastards.
Why am I even bringing this up? Because now you've gone too far. Now you're Killing us with shit you're carrying. I know I killed a lot of your relatives. That's no reason to transmit violent diseases. Take some blood, but don't leave a little gift for the generous blood donation that will ravage the citizen for a week before they die vomiting their internal organs on the rug. Hey, I'm sorry I gave your friends the clap. Actually, more like the clap and flick. That's what you get for not asking before taking.
Some 20 year old girl was bitten by a mosquito two towns over from me last week and died within days from eastern equine encephalitus. She went to the hospital with a fever, they misdiagnosed her, mistreated her, and sent her home to die. Just so you know FLINTSTONE VITAMINS DO NOT CURE ENCEPHALITUS. I never got a chance to meet this girl who died. I was busy with my life while she was convulsing mortally 10 miles away Saturday night. I've always been amazed that as one haneously tragic event is happening in one place, someone in another place is living life good. I mean you're just hanging out playing twister with fat people, and some ruthless leader 2,384 miles away is setting random people on fire for kicks. These people have no idea what you're going through.
Anyway, so this girl gets eastern equine encephalitus (Triple E) from a mosquito. That's nice hugh? They give a disease a trendy name to make it easier to digest. That's so you don't go "Oh my god Ted, do you have southwestern equalibrium esophagus!" Don't laugh. there are stupid people who say shit like that. I'm one of them. I thought about it, and it actually does need a nickname. When you have a week to live, you can't have people bugging you all the time going "What's that thing you have again? Easter Egg Elupitopus?", and waste your last precious days constantly reminding idiots how to pronounce a difficult disease name. It's much better to say "It's Triple E. Screw off."
Isn't that unreal though? You get bitten by a mosquito, and die within a week. Weird stuff. If one of your friends dies within a week and you don't know why, then be very suspicious, and very cautious. Stand around naked, scratching your head in wonder, near a swampy meadow, with ten dead birds by your feet around dusk. It's the best way to find out what happened.
There is one fun thing about mosquito transmitted disease. Some town official always comes up with the genius plan to spray the entire county with toxic bug spray. "What shall we do Mayor? Three deaths this week"..."Let's create a giant cloud of mosquito repellant over the region. That should solve our short term issues, while creating long term cancerous ones which I will claim no responsibility for." But it's the only way to get rid of them right? Wrong. We could also drop a nuclear warhead and not have to worry about a thing for like 10 years. They had no Triple E concerns in Hiroshima during the late 40's.
So how do you deal with it? You can't spray everything. It's not like you can pinpoint the exact mosquito with Triple E and be like "Hey you! Get over here. Stop flying away. You gotta stop biting people man. Do you know what you have? That's a bad cough you got there Mr. Skeeter. You might wanna consider skipping the blood sucking for a bit. Here, let me give you the clap."
It's just not going to happen. It's an impossible problem. So the thought that ends up crossing your mind if you're in a danger zone community is literally "We need to Kill every last fucking mosquito we can find." That's the only logical solution. Make no mistake. This is war. In war you have collateral damage. A lot of us would hurt ourselves to kill all the mosquitoes. Ever get one on your head and slam your face against a brick wall? No more mosquito.
If you think about it though, it's kind of convenient that a couple of these little bastards infected us with a deadly virus. We were looking for an excuse to kill every last mosquito on earth anyway. Just sitting around hoping a couple of em do something really stupid. Something to set us off into a mosquito slaughtering frenzy. Well this is it. You asked for it.
|
|
|
| |
| ChumBucket Personals |
| 09.14.05 (10:28 am) [edit] |
[image]5hadow_139725090.jpg[/image]
I Want to Mate with You
Name: Jim Plankowski
Interests: Mating, Food, Water, Mating, Shelter, Nature walks, Mating, Loose ruffage, Discarded pudding snacks, Mating.
Smokes: Yes, especially after mating
Comments: I really just want to mate with you. My strength is honesty, and I'm not going to bullshit you. My goal is to evaluate whether you are mate worthy (most are), and then do anything necessary to mate with you. I prefer hard mating, but I'm willing to occasionally mate in a more subtle way. I love mating doggy style.
It seems most men are dishonest when it comes to intentions. I have news for you. No guy wants to listen to your constant yammering about nonsensical irrelevant issues involving your friends, family, emotions, dreams, and work. We will gladly do these things in exchange for the classic universal "listening" payment... mating. Wanna talk about your dads alzheimers? Ok the bedrooms that way. Since it's a particularly boring subject, it will cost two matings with a splash of orgasmic noise.
If by some chance you are not mate worthy, I will inform you right away. All I have to do is look at you, and I know. That's because I don't mate with a womans mind. I mate with her body. If I wanted to mate with her mind I would probably just... oh never mind. The point is we don't even have to speak if you don't want to. You can just show up and assume the mating position. That would be splendid.
|
|
|
| |
|
The Weblog
Review
Search Engine Analyzer
Pulldown Generator
Haloscan Text Ads
Technorati Blog Stats
Popdex
Special
Thanks to...
|
